Hidden in pockets

Hubbs and I are currently on our "baby moon" so to speak. My in-laws graciously were willing to come down a few days before Thanksgiving to watch the kids while Randy and I got to get away for the first time since before the kids first came to live with us. We stayed at an amazing hotel with a winery, spa, and golf courses, among other amenities. By the 3rd day I was feeling very stress-free and almost giddy from the lack of responsibility, my only task to figure out if I wanted to stay in bed and read or go to the spa. I flipped a coin and went by myself to take a yoga class and sit and read in the relaxation lounge. Once you enter the spa they give you a robe and slippers and tell you to go change. Everyone walks around in robes, they have amazingly soft blankets on every chaise, and they offer you tea and wine. So yea, needless to say I was having a great time (note: hours of socially appropriate "towel time" is as close to perfect as it comes in Virginia-land.)

I was snuggled up in my robe and blanket looking out at the rain on a beautiful lake, reading a book and drinking my tea. For whatever reason, I suddenly notice that there are 6 other people in the room, three sets of mothers and daughters. And just like that, it hit me so hard I could barely breathe. My eyes instantly filled with tears and my heart literally hurt. I miss her so much. She should be here with me; in fact she normally would be here with me as every year we go on a mother-daughter getaway and it always includes some sort of pampering. Her absence was so obvious as I sat in that room, daughter without her mother.

I don't tell you of this experience to have a pity party or sound ungrateful (after all, I was having this experience in a spa). I share this because this is the real stuff that grief is made of. This is what they mean when they say grief hides in pockets. Even when you forget it is there, you carry it with you everywhere you go and it is always ready to jump out and remind you of it's presence. No matter how much therapy, no matter of many tears, there will always be these moments. Time makes them further apart, but they never go away. This is the burden that we, the survivors, are left with. 

Changes

Less than a year ago I had my first parent-teacher conference. Arianna's teachers told me she was developmentally behind in many areas and so far behind in speech that she was put in a special-education track. She was 3 but did not use even two word sentences, could not correctly enunciate almost any words, depended primarily on pointing and tantrums to communicate, and definitely could not respond appropriately in conversations (ex. If asked "What did you have for breakfast?" she would say something totally random, usually something she could see right then).  Today, 11 months after this meeting, her teachers handed me her assessment and it said "exceeds expectations" on every single item. She has met all her goals to move on to pre-k and it is only October. She is not only not developmentally delayed, she is advanced.

I cried.

I am not sharing this to toot my own horn. The opposite in fact. As you know, this year has been extremely hard. I cannot tell you the tears I have cried, the anger and guilt and shame I have felt for not being the mom I wanted to be because I was in crisis mode. There were many days that all I could do was get up, get them to school, then come home and sleep. There were times that I told my husband "I can't do this. I cannot be a good mom to them, I am too sad and overwhelmed and emotionally not there. They need more than what I can give right now, and it is not fair to them. They would be better off with another family that can be more involved." 

I thought I was not giving enough, that I had to be something special in order to do this "right." The truth is, we did nothing special or extraordinary. We just gave her a stable home, fed her 3 meals a day, and loved her. We read her stories at night, brushed her teeth, gave her a safe space to play. I do not have plugs in the outlets, my floors seem to always have pet fur on them, some days I let her watch too much tv because it was the best I could do. I don't buy organic, I have served chicken fingers for dinner way more than "a good mom" would, at times I am overwhelmed and easily frustrated and not nearly patient enough. I choose cleaning up over playing a lot, I get caught up in details and can't see the big picture, I often choose to go to the grocery store before picking her up from school because even though she would like to come, it is easier for me when she doesn't. I choose "easier on me" over "better for her" daily. 

I have not only not done anything special, but I have been below average more days than not. But she is loved, she is safe, and her days are predictable. And she has thrived. Despite all of my shortcomings, she is okay... better than okay. 

I share this with you because it is amazing the difference that a stable environment makes in a child's life. Arianna managed to grow this much because her basic needs were met and her brain could focus on doing the developmental tasks it is supposed to do.  The ONLY "special" thing I did was open my home and heart to her. My never clean enough home, my shattered heart.  And she is now a different child on a different path, special-education to advanced. 

I beg you, if you have ever considered fostering or adopting from foster care, please take the first step. Learn about it, pray about it, ask about it. I would love to tell you more. There are so many kids that need never clean enough homes and moms that worry they aren't doing enough. 

http://www.adoptuskids.org/for-families/how-to-foster

Names

We got about 10 pictures from when the kids were babies/younger. We feel so blessed we are able to see them at this age (Dominic 9, Arianna 9 months). 

I (like most women right?) am obsessed with names. Names are just so important - it is the main identifying factor you carry with you and one of the first impressions you give someone. You know we all judge names! From not being able to name our child a perfectly great name just because of one bad egg from 1st grade with the same name to making assumptions about who will be interviewing after picking up someone's resume, there is no denying it. Names are important. In my culture (VAV- yes that sounds weird to say my culture because what culture am I talking about? But if my Social Work grad school taught me something it was that everybody has a culture, ha!), it is kind of taboo not to use family names for children. We're talking both first and middle names better be after someone's grandmother or second cousin or you are already condemning your child to years of  "Oh yes this is Hayden- not sure where they got that name, I guess they just liked it."  This tradition is apparently getting less and less common as frequently I am asked if I am named after the state I am from. It is a funny coincidence yes, but everyone 50+ knows Virginia is from my Memee's Memee and we just happen to be from Virginia. ;)

 I digress. My objective here was to establish that names are important and to discuss the complicated decision to change or not to change an adopted child's name. On the one hand, how could you change the name a child has gone by for the last (in my case) 3 or 12 years? You can't. On the other hand, what if you strongly disliked the child's name and knew that it was one of those names that he/she would be unfairly judged by for the rest of their life? (Sidenote: I have come across children with names such as Karma, Lilo, La'Money, Sade (pronounced Shaw-day), and Younique, so please believe me.) What if they are named after their birth mother/father/etc that the child loves but that you, as the parent, know abused/neglected them? And what about helping the child embrace his new family by sharing a name that is important to his new parents? But then you don't want to make them feel like you are trying to change them or that you don't like their name. Buuuuut then again see point number two.

This is a very complicated issue that people often feel strongly about one way or another. I am certainly not trying to say one way is right and one is wrong; I think just like most issues, a family should handle their individual situation the way that is best for them and try not to be upset when everyone else tells them they did the wrong thing ;) Just kidding (kinda), but it is a personal choice and not one we took lightly. With that disclaimer said, I will explain our process and what we decided to do.

One thing that makes our situation unique is our kids are very different ages. We, personally, would never change Brother's name because he is almost 13 and obviously knows his name and identifies with it etc. It also helps that we really like his name. However, Sister is only 3 and developmentally behind with speech so she did not really know her name until recently. Unfortunately her name is one of those names that we really tried to like but couldn't due to the fact that she was named after a certain female singer that is very popular and is definitely not any sort of role model we want Sister associated with. If she did not know her name at all, we would have not questioned changing it all. But since she did, we decided to change it to something very close to her original name but that is not as...well, it no longer means "nymph" how about that? ;) And not going to lie, I kind of love that now that she is "ours" her name is now Arianna (pronounced our-rhianna). We also chose to change her middle name as she did not know it at all and we wanted to choose something to tie her to our family. Grace is a name that is connected to both my and hubbs' moms, and the girls' name we would name a biological daughter if given the chance.

Brother was the more complicated one. Because the act of picking out a name for your child is such an important one in our culture, we decided we wanted Brother to be part of that ritual with us. As I said, we never planned to change his first name and never even brought that up. Hubbs and I sat down with Brother and told him that we picked out six names that had importance to us and that we would be honored if Brother chose one as his middle name. We also emphasized that he did not have to change his name, he could of course keep his current middle name, but that naming a child is a big deal in our culture and we wanted to at least have that experience with him. And let me tell you, I would not have changed the way we did this at all. It was such a unique, meaningful experience to be able to explain the stories behind the names to our child and why we picked each one for him.

Here are his choices and (briefly) what we said:

Harold - after Randy's late maternal grandfather whom Randy shares a middle name; means leader which is what we hope Brother will always be

Scott - after my brother and my dad; I see the same kind-heartedness and care for others in Brother that I do in my brother and dad

Story - after my very good friend who passed away in 2005. Brother reminds me SO much of Story, with his kind quietness, longing to take a burden off others, and absolute love of animals

Treinen - Randy's mom's maiden name and all of his uncles' last name

Truett - my mother's maiden name, mostly in honor of my Memee who was incredibly strong yet so kind and charitable and one of my biggest role models; she was also a leader and always stood up for what was right even if it was not popular

Elijah - the male form of Elisabeth, after my mom. I explained to Brother how he was so thoughtful just like my mom. I gave him the example of how just last week, Sister picked out a movie and said "I want to watch this on my birthday" and Brother got the DVD case and stuck a note on it that said "Sister wants to watch this on her birthday, just an idea to keep in mind" and left it on our bedside table. Mom would always give us and her friends little thoughtful presents just like this. I could give a hundred examples of all the thoughtful things each of them do- it just comes so naturally to both of them. Additionally, Mom, like Memee, was always going out of her way to do kind things for others and was very dedicated to giving back to her community, which is a character trait we want to continue to nurture in Brother.

After explaining all the names, we gave Brother the chance to think about it and again reiterated that he should not feel forced to choose any of these names.  However, he immediately said Elijah. He said "my first name is from my mom, and my last name will connect me to Randy, so I want my middle name to connect me to Virginia. And based on the three days I spent with "Little e", she is definitely someone I want to be named after."

Like I said, he is an amazing child and I know my mom would be honored to have him carry on her legacy.

Though I never dreamed I would have children named Arianna Grace or Dominic Elijah, I also never dreamed I would adopt two kids at the same time at age 28. But they, just like their names, are an absolute perfect fit in our lives.

Introducing....

It has been a VERY long time since I have written. The last 6 months have been very difficult and I just couldn't access my "creative" brain. It took all my energy to focus on my day to day life. So much has happened. Many of y'all know everything through email updates, but the short version of the past seven months is: we became foster parents to Brother and Sister, life was a bit crazy with hubbs and I both working full time and now full time parents to two kids, my mom died very unexpectedly, life stopped - I was swallowed by the grief, but of course you know that when you have kids your life can't really stop, so I resigned from my job (that I love so much) to focus on keeping the kids stable, the kids continued to thrive despite the family crisis, the fog began to lift and good days slowly outnumbered bad days, and today I am starting to go back to normal - a new normal. I am different, still not 100% myself (energy wise and memory wise especially), but now able to see happiness and life again.

I can't promise that I will be back blogging regularly yet, but I felt I owed all of y'all that have followed this story and prayed for us an update. On June 12, 2013, the biological mother consented to termination of parental rights. In layman's terms - Brother and Sister are free for adoption! So for the first time publicly:


Meet Brother:

Dominic Elijah

And Sister:

Arianna Grace

Yes they are the most adorable kids ever, inside and out ;)  And they love each other so much, it makes me so happy

We are so excited about moving forward with the adoption and both kids are handling it incredibly well. Yes of course there is sadness for Brother Dominic especially, but there is also hope. Something we all need right now. And I can honestly say with my whole heart that

 Life. Is. Good.

My mom

As many of you know, my mom unexpectedly passed away on January 10. I do hope to get back to writing as it is therapeutic for me, but right now I just can't. I don't know how to explain it other than to say it just makes things too real. In fact, I did not plan to write now but I got scared her obituary would be removed and I wanted to save it. It has been 11 days and I still cannot respond to emails or calls.    What I can say is that I am amazed at how many people love our family and I am in awe of how generous people can be - from taking the time to make us dinners, to inviting us into their homes, to driving through the night to stay with Brother and Sister so they did not have to be removed from our home while Hubbs and I left the state, to notifying everyone so we did not have to repeat the words and then organizing all the responses, to just being brave enough to reach out and offer kind words after an absence, to supporting us physically, emotionally and spiritually  - I will never be able to let y'all know how much it means to me, to all of us.  I have the most wonderful husband, the most supportive friends, and the best family. This is awful, heartbreaking, and life-shattering... but we will be okay.  I don't use those terms lightly - in 1 minute my life's course completely changed. But we will be okay.  Right now we are in shock and just putting one foot in front of the other, but we will be okay.

For now - my Mom

Elisabeth Truett Greenbaum 

(February 10, 1956 - January 10, 2013)

With great sadness, the family of Elisabeth Mitchell Truett Greenbaum announce her passing on Thursday, 10, January 2013.
Elisabeth was born in Richmond on 10 February 1956 and grew up in beautiful Goochland County, which, despite living away from for years, was still “home.” She graduated from Collegiate High School in 1974 and graduated cum laude with a degree in biology from Mary Baldwin College in 1978. On 11 August 1979 she married her high school sweetheart, Erik Scott Greenbaum. They had two wonderful and giving children, for whom she was extremely thankful and so proud. Elisabeth is survived by her devoted and loving husband, Erik; their daughter, Virginia Greenbaum Strunk, son-in-law, Randall Wayne Strunk and their foster children Brother and Sister of Georgia; their son Clifton Scott Greenbaum and his fiancée, Megan Jo Woodis of Richmond, Virginia; her brother Edward Lazenby Truett, his wife, Dolores and son, Edward Lazenby Truett, Jr. of Roanoke Virginia; Terry and Branden Patrick of Richmond, Virginia; and innumerable friends. She loved them all deeply and with all her heart. Three close family members predeceased Elisabeth; her father, Earl Clifton Truett Jr., her mother, Mary Frances Lazenby Truett, and her brother Earl Clifton Truett III. She was extremely close to her parents and brother and deeply grieved their loss.

Elisabeth counted her many blessings and gave back boundlessly her gifts of time and talent to the local community through numerous charitable organizations. Just a few of those activities include being a Girl Scout leader in Ivy, and contributing significantly to Martha’s Market and Marianne’s Room at Martha Jefferson Hospital. She was a reading buddy at Clarke Elementary and volunteered with the Boys and Girls Club, as a church school teacher and with her church outreach program. In leadership roles she was Executive Director of First Night Virginia for the millennium celebration, Chair of the Women’s Committee at Martha Jefferson Hospital, President of the Meriwether Lewis PTO, Co-Founder of In the Pink Tennis Tournament, and founder of the Bread Committee, welcoming new members to the church. She was elected several times to the Vestry of St. Paul’s Ivy, where she served one term as Senior Warden, and elected also to the Board of Directors at Farmington Country Club.

Beyond her gifts of time and talent through organizations that served others, she gave selflessly of her personal time to friends in need. She always put the needs of others before her own. She was always gentle and kind and never sought recognition or limelight but gained enormous pleasure from sensing the needs of others and helping behind the scenes.

With her wonderful friends, she enjoyed all forms of exercise especially tennis and paddle ball. She was part of a walking group of 13 fabulous friends called the “Walkie Talkies,” which was formed years ago to train for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer and remains as strong today as when it was started.

Her family finds great solace in knowing how Elisabeth was devoutly faithful and loved God with all her heart.

A celebration of Elisabeth's life will take place on Tuesday January 15th at 10:30AM at her church, St. Paul’s Ivy Church in Ivy, Virginia. The family invites her friends to gather together after in the church Parish Hall.

In lieu of flowers, anyone who wishes to pay tribute to the amazing life Elisabeth led may make a donation to St. Paul’s Ivy Church, Children First, Inc., Martha Jefferson Hospital or the charity of their choice.